Pickle Can't Tell a Joke

10 pages · 8 min · ages 5+

Dad Dog knew exactly one joke, and he only told it on Halloween. Tonight, Pickle was going to tell it at the Mayor's front door, all by himself, all the way to the end. “Knock knock,” said Dad Dog, from behind his newspaper. Pickle's ears shot straight up. “Who's there?” said Pickle. “Boo,” said Dad Dog. Then Dad Dog waited. Pickle could not wait. His tail wagged so fast that it hummed. “Boo who? Don't cry, it's only a joke!” shouted Pickle. That was Dad Dog's part. Dad Dog lowered his newspaper. He never laughed at jokes, not even his own. “Interrupting,” said Dad Dog.

This year, the Mayor had brought back the old Halloween rule: at his door, no joke, no treat. Grandma Dog said that was the rule when she was a puppy. She had told the very same joke. So Dad Dog's joke was older than Dad Dog. Pickle was a snail. Snails take their time, Mom Dog said, hopefully. Pickle zoomed round the garden three times. Bean was a bean. These days, Bean laughed at everything. That morning, she had laughed at a spoon. All afternoon, Pickle practised on Dad Dog. “Wait for it, Pickle,” he told himself. Dad Dog said “Who's there?” eleven times. He said it beautifully every time. He never once got to say “Boo who?”

The queue of puppies in costumes at Mayor Beagle's house went down the steps, along the path, out of the gate and round the lamp post. At the front, a little bee knocked. “Knock knock,” she said. “Who's there?” said Mayor Beagle. The little bee said, “Cow says.” “Cow says who?” said Mayor Beagle. “No, silly!” said the little bee. “A cow says moo!” And Mayor Beagle laughed his big Mayor laugh, the one he did for the front of the newspaper. “Heard it!” called Mrs. Magpie, from the big tree by the door. Everybody giggled, even the little bee. Mrs. Magpie collected shiny things: buttons, teaspoons and jokes. Dad Dog liked queues. In a queue, nobody could ask you to do anything.

“Knock knock,” said Pickle. “Who's there?” said Dad Dog, beautifully. “Boo,” said Pickle. “Boo who?” said Dad Dog. Pickle opened his mouth for the best part. But the best part was so funny that a giggle got there first. Then another. Then Pickle tipped over and rocked on his shell, with his paws in the air. In her little red wagon, Bean laughed too. Then she laughed at the wagon. “Boo who?” said Dad Dog. “Boo who. Boo who.” From the top of the steps, Mayor Beagle called down, “Is somebody crying?” “No,” said Dad Dog. “I'm waiting for the end of a joke.”

Pickle had a new plan. He would say his part so fast that the giggles couldn't catch him. “Wait for it, Pickle,” he told himself. Then he didn't. All in one breath, in his outside voice, Pickle shouted, “Knock knock who's there Boo Boo who don't cry it's only a joke!” Dad Dog had not even opened his mouth. “Fast,” said Dad Dog. Up the steps, a little fox turned round. So did a little dinosaur, and a little scarecrow. They looked at each other. They smiled.

The queue moved up the steps. One by one, at the door, the puppies in front told their jokes. Five puppies that Pickle didn't even know said, “Boo.” Then the little fox said, “Boo.” The little dinosaur said, “Boo.” The little scarecrow said, “Boo,” in Pickle's outside voice. Every time, Mayor Beagle said, “Boo who?” Every time, Mrs. Magpie shouted, “Heard it!” before anybody got to the end. Everybody giggled. And every time, Mayor Beagle laughed his newspaper laugh anyway. “That's MY joke!” said Pickle, and he stamped his paw. Dad Dog lowered his newspaper. “Mine,” said Dad Dog.

At last, it was Pickle's turn. “Wait for it, Pickle,” he told himself. “Knock knock,” said Pickle. Mayor Beagle had heard Boo eight times tonight. “Who's there?” he said, with a brave smile. “Boo,” said Pickle. Then Pickle waited, perfectly. His tail kept quiet. “Boo…” began Mayor Beagle. But Mrs. Magpie could not wait. “Boo who? Don't cry, it's only a joke!” she shouted. “HEARD it!” Pickle's ears drooped to the floor. Mayor Beagle held out his plate of pumpkin biscuits anyway. He hadn't kept his rule once all night. Pickle's nose twitched. Then he shook his head. “That didn't count,” said Pickle. “Can I go again?” “Back of the queue,” said Mayor Beagle, kindly. Dad Dog looked down the queue. Now it went round the lamp post twice. “Long,” said Dad Dog, happily.

Pickle sat on the low wall by the lamp post, at the very back. Nobody had laughed a real laugh at the joke all night. Only Bean, and Bean laughed at spoons. “Interrupting,” Dad Dog had said. Up at the door, Mrs. Magpie interrupted somebody else's joke. Everybody giggled. Pickle's ears shot straight up. His tail went thump. He had a brand-new joke, one that nobody had ever heard. “Who's there?” said Dad Dog. Nobody had said knock knock. That made forty-three times. “Wait for it,” said Pickle. He wrapped his long ears round his mouth like a scarf, to keep the joke in. The joke stayed in all the way up the path, all the way up the steps, all the way to the door. Snails take their time.

Pickle unwrapped his ears. “Knock knock,” he said. “Who's there?” said Mayor Beagle. “Interrupting puppy,” said Pickle. Mayor Beagle had never heard of an interrupting puppy. So he began, “Interrupting puppy—” “WOOF!” For a moment, nobody said anything. Mrs. Magpie opened her beak. Then she shut it again. And then the whole queue laughed. Real laughs. Big ones. Mayor Beagle laughed with his ears flapping, and it was not his newspaper laugh. Mrs. Magpie shook with giggles. “Never heard it!” she cried, and two buttons fell out of her nest. This time, Pickle took the biscuit. And Dad Dog, who never laughed at jokes, not even his own, lowered his newspaper. “Ha,” said Dad Dog.

Later that night, Pickle was curled up on the sofa, still in his shell. Snails sleep in their shells, Pickle had said, firmly. Then somebody knocked at the front door, very softly. Knock, knock. “Who's there?” said Pickle, half asleep. Dad Dog opened the door. There stood Mayor Beagle, in his spotty pyjamas, with his bow tie still on. “Boo,” said Mayor Beagle. “Boo who?” said Pickle. His tail started to hum. And then Pickle waited, all the way to the end. “Don't cry,” said Mayor Beagle, and his shoulders began to shake, “it's only a joke!” And he laughed so much that he had to hold on to the door. It was ten o'clock. “I just got it,” said Mayor Beagle.