How to Trap a Vampire

10 pages · 9 min · ages 6+

Slurrrrp. Dad was drinking his coffee. Oscar from Juniper's class said vampires weren't real. So this Halloween, Juniper was going to trap one. She peered at Dad over the top of her clipboard. Every morning, Dad shuffled into the kitchen with his eyes shut and his hair sticking up. He made three packed lunches with his eyes shut. He found Toby's other shoe with his eyes shut. And he did not say one single word until he had finished his coffee. Then his eyes opened all the way. “Morning,” said Dad. “Has anybody made the lunches?” “Toby,” whispered Juniper, “Dad is a vampire.” Toby ate an apple slice. “That's just Dad,” said Toby.

Juniper had more evidence. All week, as soon as the children were in bed, Dad came alive. Juniper could hear it through the floor. Laughing. Rustling. Snip, snip. But on film night, it took twenty minutes to choose the film, and Dad fell asleep during the choosing. Sitting up. Arms crossed. Very, very still. Toby held out the popcorn. Nothing. Toby ate Dad's share. When the film finished, Dad opened his eyes. “Good film,” said Dad. “Dad is not a vampire,” said Mum. “He's a night owl.” Juniper wrote that down. Then she crossed it out. Owls don't drink coffee.

Plan One was garlic. Everybody knows vampires can't stand garlic. So Juniper asked for garlic bread for dinner, extra garlicky, and Dad made a whole tray. Garlic bread was his favourite. She pulled her goggles down. “Science is ready, trap is set!” But Dad did not eat a single piece. “No, you have it,” said Dad, and he gave his piece to Toby. And the next piece. And the next. All Dad ate were the crusts Toby left. Crusts have no garlic on them. Juniper licked one to check. “It's working,” she whispered. Toby was on his ninth piece. “That's just Dad,” said Toby. “That's what he wants us to think,” said Juniper. At bedtime, Toby gave Dad a big goodnight kiss, and a big garlicky goodnight breath, right up his nose. Haaaah. Dad's eyes watered. “Lovely,” said Dad, and he kissed Toby back. Juniper made a note. Garlic: works.

Plan Two started at the fridge door. It was covered in family photos. Juniper on the beach. Toby with cake on his face. Mum, waving at whoever was holding the camera. But not one single photo of Dad. Vampires never show up in photos. “Science is ready, trap is set!” Juniper picked up the camera. “Smile, Dad!” “Ooh,” said Dad, “let me take it.” And he took a lovely photo of Juniper. Toby tried. “Smile, Dad!” “Ooh,” said Dad, “let me take it.” And he took a lovely photo of Toby. So Juniper stood the camera on the shelf and set the timer. Then she squeezed onto the sofa with Dad, Mum and Toby. The little light began to blink. “Hang on,” said Dad, leaping off the sofa, “I'll take it!” He dived for the camera. Click. Juniper looked at the photo. It was mostly dressing gown. “He's very fast,” whispered Juniper. “That's just Dad,” said Toby.

Plan Three was sunshine. Vampires can't stand the sun. Juniper tied a short string from Mum and Dad's curtains to her alarm clock on the windowsill, and set it for seven o'clock. “Science is ready, trap is set!” Brrrring! The alarm clock hopped along the windowsill. The string pulled. The curtains flew open. Sunshine poured all over the big bed. “Argh, the light!” groaned Dad, and he pulled the duvet over his head. Then, right next to him, a second voice groaned, “Argh, the light!” And a second head went under the duvet. Juniper dropped her pen. “There are TWO of them,” she whispered. “Your turn,” said one lump. “Your turn,” said the other lump. Toby looked at the two lumps under the duvet. “That's just Mum,” said Toby.

By the end of the week, the clipboard was full. Garlic: works. Photos: mostly dressing gown. Sunshine: two of them. Last year, the costumes had come from a shop. The label said “One size fits all.” They fitted Toby's teddy. “What about this year's costumes?” said Juniper. “In hand,” said Mum and Dad, at exactly the same time. Juniper looked in all four of their hands. There was nothing in them but coffee. Halloween was tomorrow. Toby stopped chewing. This was serious.

Toby went to look down the side of the sofa for emergency snacks. He found a raisin, a crayon, and something else. It was a black felt wing, and it was sticky. Juniper gasped. “Vampires can turn into bats!” She looked at Dad, asleep on the sofa, sitting up, with his arms crossed. She clipped the wing to her clipboard. Evidence. She clicked her pen. “Plan Four,” whispered Juniper. “Tonight. At midnight.”

At midnight, two small shadows went down the stairs, one step at a time, hand in hand, with a torch. There was a light under the kitchen door. Snip. Snip. Snip… Snore. Juniper pulled her goggles down and pushed the door open, just a crack. There were the vampires. Both of them. Asleep at the kitchen table. “That's just Mum and Dad,” whispered Toby. Dad had his cheek on the bat costume. Mum had hers on a long kangaroo tail, and the sticky tape was still in her hand. All round them lay felt and glue and two nearly finished costumes. A bat with only one wing. And a kangaroo with a pocket on the front. The pocket was for snacks. Somebody knew Toby very well.

Nobody woke the vampires. Juniper took her best evidence off her clipboard. Sticky tape is very loud at midnight, so she pulled it off the roll one tiny bit at a time. Soon the bat had two wings. “Science is ready,” whispered Juniper. “Bat is set.” Toby put an apple slice on the table, right between them. He thought about it for a long time. Then he put down another one. In his sleep, Dad mumbled, “No, you have it.” Toby left them there anyway. Then they closed the kitchen curtains, all the way, so the sun wouldn't get them. Tomorrow, Mum and Dad could sleep in. Toby said until seven. Juniper said ten past, because it was Halloween. Then she wrote one more line. Conclusion: Mum and Dad are vampires. Nice ones. They do crafts.

On Halloween night, Juniper was a bat, with her goggles on top and two vests underneath. “Bats feel the cold,” said Mum. Toby was a kangaroo, and his pocket was already full. Mum stayed home to give out the sweets. Dad took the children trick-or-treating. He wore his own long dark coat, with the collar turned up, because it was cold. At the very first house, a wizard opened the door. It was Oscar. “Happy Halloween!” said the wizard. Then he saw Juniper's clipboard. “Vampires still aren't real.” “I have a lot of evidence,” said Juniper. Dad bent down to admire Oscar's starry hat. “Excellent wizard,” said Dad. “Thanks,” said Oscar. Dad stood up again, and gave an enormous yawn. Oscar looked at the little bat next to Dad. He looked up at Dad's long dark coat, with its collar turned up like a cape. “Wow!” said Oscar. “Nice vampire costume!” “Thank you,” said Dad. “It took all week.”